Looking back...

Yesterday I took some time to go back to my old blogs and read them. My first blog (Where Is Tigerlilly?) was started in 2006. My goal was to get under 200 lbs... and I looked something like this.. 

I struggled at home with two kids under the age of two. I had just had two serious surgeries and was finally given the all clear to get moving. This blog lasted until 2008 where I ended up looking like this...

where I was weighing in at 193. Exactly where I am at today.

Then I started my second blog... The Next Chapter... which is when I stuck it into high gear and got down to 173 lbs.

So... reading my blogs helped me understand a couple of things. I had a lot of bad days. I started over at least 501 times. I tried everything... but succeeded losing the most weight with running. I love to juice and need to get back to doing that. But most of all... that I have lost this weight before... I know its possible.... I know that I can do it...

Today I am going to rethink my ways. Time to get a game plan...

Trying to find my focus..

I've been stuck, the last month, in a bad place. Not wanting to stay where I am , but not quite caring enough to change what I've been doing. At least not 100%. I will do SO good in the morning... going to my spin class... keeping my food clean and drinking tons of water. Then....

"Squirrel!!"

I lose my focus. Life takes over and I just go with the flow. I eat what is available.. or the easiest (or fastest) to prepare.  I settle with the idea that I will do better 'tomorrow'. But never do.  This has led me nowhere.

My clothes are still tight. My weight is still WAY up there.

I have a group of wonderful girls that support me.... and a dietician who is willing to be there everyday if needed.... and kids who remind me everyday that they need me ... and a husband who tells me that he loves me no matter what I weigh but will also give me what ever I need to get healthy again.

So why can't I get this right? Why am I so wishy-washy??

Part of it is, I'm tired. Tired of counting calories... tired of points... tired of working out... tired of worrying about it all. I've been fighting this for 5 years now.

5 years of beating my weight down into submission. 5 years of worrying about my food. Counting calories and points.

Nobody, including my dietician, is telling me anything I don't already know. I've read hundreds of books... I've been on weight watchers... I've starved myself... and it has all worked to help me lose 70 lbs... (30 of which I have now gained back) I have done Tae Bo, Karate, Boxing, Spinning, Running and Yoga. I've tried P90X, Insanity and Rushfit.  I have even gone to the doctor to get blood work done PRAYING that I had some kind of disease that was causing my weight problem and that it would all be fixed with one pill.

Every morning I cringe when I put on my jeans that used to be so big they fell right off without a belt... only to barely squeeze them on to button them. Pulling over shirts that I loved to wear in comfort but now constantly tug and pull at all day to keep them from bunching around my stomach.

All of this pent up hatred for what I have become and you would think that I would have all the energy and willpower to lose the weight again. But I don't.

Depression crosses my path every now and then. I've taken meds for it in the past, right after my Dad died... but got off of them when I got pregnant the first time. Since then I have managed to keep it away with happy thoughts and exercise. My doctor supports me in my will to never get on meds for it again... but it means keeping myself in check. I have no doubt that I'm battling a low moment right now.

So, to help me get motivated I have joined a challenge. 10 weeks to get in shape. (if you scroll down to my last post you can click on the pic and read all about it!) I'm hoping that it will help me refocus. Here is what some of the challenge is about:

If you choose to participate, we will have four basic goal categories:

• weight loss goal
• non-scale goal
• exercise goal
• nutrition goal

So... focus, focus, focus

My weight loss goal for 10 weeks is to lose 25 lbs. 

My non-scale goal is to look good enough to wear a two piece bathing suit this summer. 

My exercise goal is to go to the gym 3 days a week. 

My nutrition goal... well, here is the hard one. I'm addicted to food. Being on a diet is like hanging a cocaine bag in front of a drug addict three times a day. Only I HAVE to eat something. Trust me, I've tried the 'no food' thing and it worked... but not in a good way. So... my goal will be, to learn to live with my addiction... .and not give in to it. I will continue to work with my dietician until we find something I can control, live with and succeed with. 

So. Focus. Focus. Focus. 

Warning: I will post 'Before' pics on Monday, March 26th... 

Ready for Summer Challenge

I've been stuck in a rut. Looking forward to this challenge to help me get back on track. Wanna join? There is still time. It starts on Monday, March 26th... so click on the pic above and find out how to sign up!

A visit to the dietician...

Tomorrows battle is won during today's practice. - Samurai maxim

It is amazing what a trip to the dietician can do for you. I think of it like a tune up on a car. Change the oil every 3000 miles and your car is good to go. Go to the dietician every 3000 miles and you learn that you've been putting in the wrong kind of gas. 

I have to admit, I wasn't sure she was going to be a whole lot of help. After all, I've been doing the diet game for 4 years now. I know ALL the rules. I walked into her office and was immediately pointed toward the scale. *warning* This was at 1 p.m. AFTER lunch. I never weight myself in the day, knowing well that I am much heavier. So, with one eye closed I looked at the scale. 

199.2

Wow... way too close to 200 for me. This broke a wall down for me. I needed help. The dietician may be my last hope to keep me from leaving ONEderland. So I sat down, head bowed, and gave my confession. She wrote down the endless list of food that I had eaten yesterday. She listened as I explained that I had lost 70 lbs two years ago.... and was heart broken to see 30 lbs pack back on. I told her about my crazy workout schedule.... and how it hasn't helped. 

She asked me what I drink during the day. Crystal Light. I have always depended on it to help me get in my water for the day. (I hate the taste of plain water) Then she asked what I drank while I was working out. Crystal Light. She looked me in the eye and said... "Do you know how much artificial sweetener you are drinking every day??"

AH HA!! #1

Although it is calorie free... artificial sweetener still has an affect on your body. Apparently it can keep you from losing weight, but more importantly, it makes you crave more foods. It would also explain why my Triglycerides are sky high... even with me working out 5 days a week. 

So... first change will be... no, Crystal Light. Only water from here on out. I am allowed one cup of decaf coffee during the day with 2 packets of Stevia... but that is all. 

This change will be challenging. Especially with my hate for water... but so far I'm taking it one sip at a time. 

The next thing she said was "Your not getting enough protein" 

This was a surprise to me. I thought since I had a huge protein shake every morning that I was getting plenty of protein. Apparently ... not. 

AH HA! #2

Protein is the most important thing to eat... especially when working out as much as I am. Protein heals your muscles. Think of protein as the 'clean' gas. The one that is REALLY expensive and goes in REALLY nice cars!  That is protein. It keeps your engine burning clean!! 

So, I am to focus on eating a protein at every meal and snack. I have to say, this was going to be hard. But she gave me a lot of ideas. For a snack, I could drink a glass of soy milk!  Eat a palm full of almonds!

AH HA! #3

This came when we were talking about snacks. She said that most people associate an empty container as being 'done' eating. To keep me from eating more then 1 serving she suggested pre-sorting them into little one serving ziplock bags. This way when the bag is empty I know that I am done eating. No more!!

Serving size is one of my weaknesses. I now have my scale out to weigh my protein... and will be buying some new measuring cups at Pier 1 today to help me make sure I am being honest with my calories. 

I am also going to be keeping track of my food/calories on www.myfitnesspal.com ... for you people with smart phones, they have an app for that! 

So, all in all, going to the dietician was eye opening. I have a lot of things I need to focus on and change. I started last night and woke up this morning ready to get my day started... with a glass of water. I am NOT going to step on the scale at all. In fact, it will be put in a box in the garage so I'm not even tempted.  I will weigh in again with the dietician in one month to see if my 1500 cal diet is working. The goal is to lose 5-8 lbs by then. 

Another race under my belt!

... and I just signed up for another one in April. :)

Anxiety

Does anyone else cry in fear at the thought of going to the doctor?

I had to go to the doctor this past week. I have not been feeling 'right' for some time now and finally gave in to my husbands pleas. I have to say that I have never had a terrible doctor. In fact, I loved my last doctor. He saved my life and my daughters life... twice. I tried to hate him when he gave me the news  that I would have to go down immediately to see an Oncologist.... but its hard to hate the man giving you the bad news when he is also in tears.

Anyway, the point is... its not a personal hate, its a general hate. Fear would be a better word.

So I found a new doc in this new town of ours. She was understanding of my tears and fears. She took her time with me and we talked about all of it. She said everything 'looked' good , but that blood work was needed. So I starved myself for 12 hours and got my blood drawn.

I won't know the results until Tuesday.  I am in a frozen state of anxiety now. Thankfully it is Sunday and I can surround myself with God.

Is this too grey?

My closet can tell you exactly where I am emotionally in my life.... and right now my closet says "BLAH"

Blacks, browns and greys consume my closet. There is a flash of red in one corner screaming to get out... but its being smothered. Like a fire being put out.

My usual style has been bright. Reds, oranges, greens and yellows. Rainbow socks, red flowers in my hair... where have I gone?

I know those colors are still in me.. because I will walk by a store and see something beautifully bright and go "oooooh" but keep walking. Yesterday I went to buy some clothes and what did I get? Khaki pants and a brown sweater. REALLY?

I like the outfit. The sweater is soft and comfy.. the pants fit. But where is my flash of lifesaving color?

Looking back , this has been happening for some months now. Since, well, since my old clothes (the bright ones) quit fitting. I think I have been subconsciously blocking the happiness of color from my closet until I lose this weight.

The funny thing is... I hit my 500 miles today at the gym. In 2.5 months I managed to run/bike/walk 500 miles and this was my prize...

Grey!! LOL

I can't really change a whole lot about my closet right now... but at least I can try and fight my subconscious a little more and when I see that bright red sweater in the window I will buy it!!

At least for now I know that I have a box full of beautiful colors ready for me to wear again... hopefully by spring. How perfect would that be?