Trying to find my focus..

I've been stuck, the last month, in a bad place. Not wanting to stay where I am , but not quite caring enough to change what I've been doing. At least not 100%. I will do SO good in the morning... going to my spin class... keeping my food clean and drinking tons of water. Then....

"Squirrel!!"

I lose my focus. Life takes over and I just go with the flow. I eat what is available.. or the easiest (or fastest) to prepare.  I settle with the idea that I will do better 'tomorrow'. But never do.  This has led me nowhere.

My clothes are still tight. My weight is still WAY up there.

I have a group of wonderful girls that support me.... and a dietician who is willing to be there everyday if needed.... and kids who remind me everyday that they need me ... and a husband who tells me that he loves me no matter what I weigh but will also give me what ever I need to get healthy again.

So why can't I get this right? Why am I so wishy-washy??

Part of it is, I'm tired. Tired of counting calories... tired of points... tired of working out... tired of worrying about it all. I've been fighting this for 5 years now.

5 years of beating my weight down into submission. 5 years of worrying about my food. Counting calories and points.

Nobody, including my dietician, is telling me anything I don't already know. I've read hundreds of books... I've been on weight watchers... I've starved myself... and it has all worked to help me lose 70 lbs... (30 of which I have now gained back) I have done Tae Bo, Karate, Boxing, Spinning, Running and Yoga. I've tried P90X, Insanity and Rushfit.  I have even gone to the doctor to get blood work done PRAYING that I had some kind of disease that was causing my weight problem and that it would all be fixed with one pill.

Every morning I cringe when I put on my jeans that used to be so big they fell right off without a belt... only to barely squeeze them on to button them. Pulling over shirts that I loved to wear in comfort but now constantly tug and pull at all day to keep them from bunching around my stomach.

All of this pent up hatred for what I have become and you would think that I would have all the energy and willpower to lose the weight again. But I don't.

Depression crosses my path every now and then. I've taken meds for it in the past, right after my Dad died... but got off of them when I got pregnant the first time. Since then I have managed to keep it away with happy thoughts and exercise. My doctor supports me in my will to never get on meds for it again... but it means keeping myself in check. I have no doubt that I'm battling a low moment right now.

So, to help me get motivated I have joined a challenge. 10 weeks to get in shape. (if you scroll down to my last post you can click on the pic and read all about it!) I'm hoping that it will help me refocus. Here is what some of the challenge is about:

If you choose to participate, we will have four basic goal categories:

• weight loss goal
• non-scale goal
• exercise goal
• nutrition goal

So... focus, focus, focus

My weight loss goal for 10 weeks is to lose 25 lbs. 

My non-scale goal is to look good enough to wear a two piece bathing suit this summer. 

My exercise goal is to go to the gym 3 days a week. 

My nutrition goal... well, here is the hard one. I'm addicted to food. Being on a diet is like hanging a cocaine bag in front of a drug addict three times a day. Only I HAVE to eat something. Trust me, I've tried the 'no food' thing and it worked... but not in a good way. So... my goal will be, to learn to live with my addiction... .and not give in to it. I will continue to work with my dietician until we find something I can control, live with and succeed with. 

So. Focus. Focus. Focus. 

Warning: I will post 'Before' pics on Monday, March 26th...